Welcome to my world. I *just* vacuumed... Wipe your feet before you come in.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Welcome back?

Well, Hi there! Yes it *has* been a while. What have I been up to, you ask?

There is so much to talk about, but none of it is anything I want to talk about.

Let me ‘splain. There is too much. Let me sum up. (in my best Inigo Montoya voice)

We are moving. Out of necessity, not desire. We didn’t find a bigger, better house, we had to find a smaller, cheaper house. NOT a happy time, very very stressful.

On Monday, my Mother-in-law had a heart attack. Early Tuesday morning, she had another (Thank God she was already in the hospital). I *Heart* my Mother in-law. No, really. She’s awesome! I wish she had taught her son to clean up after himself, but other than that, she’s a wonderful lady.

I’m so stressed out and I know I’m taking it out on the kids. Mostly Maggie as she’s the bigger of the two. I’ve yelled at her almost every day this week. This morning was the worst. We had come downstairs & I asked her to put her socks and shoes on while I packed the lunches. 20 minutes later, she is still barefoot. After I told her to PUT HER DAMNED SOX & SHOES ON, she finally tore herself away from morning cartoons and complied. While I was busy trying to wrangle Will into his coat, Maggie casually tells me that she “broke her coat”. My Mom got her a gorgeous Rothchild’s winter coat for Christmas. She was twisting the zipper pull and snapped the pull off the zipper thingy.

Look there, on the dining room floor. See that piece of straw? That’s the one.

I lost my ever-lovin’ mind. I was in her face, grabbed her by the front of her coat, SCREAMING, raw throat, face contorted, veins popping out, screaming how she is so irresponsible! That Me-Mom got her this beautiful coat & she broke it! She can’t have anything nice! She doesn’t take care of her toys, her room is always a mess, she can’t even follow simple instruction on putting!her!damn!shoes!on!!

Each one of these exclamation points was punctuated with a shake. Yep. I shook my kid. Not the violent shaken-baby-type-shake, but one of those point-making shakes. They’re not so bad, right? Every body does that, right? Don’t you? Oh. Please don’t call CYS on me, I don’t think I could take it.

Her big, gorgeous, blue eyes were wide with fear and then they welled up with tears. DUDE! There was fear in her eyes. I had scared her with my freaking out.
Needless to say, we were late this morning because I had to go back upstairs and fix my make-up after sitting on the dining room floor hugging and rocking my favorite little girl in the whole wide world and telling her over & over how sorry I was, how much I love her, that it wasn’t her fault, I know she didn’t do it on purpose, I’m the worst Mommy ever, I’ll see if I can fix the zipper thingy for her, etc.

I’m taking my frustration/stress/fear/anger that I should be accepting as my own and dealing with and I’m dropping them on her skinny little 4 year old shoulders. Yeah. I suck.


DD said...

You don't suck. The situations you've recently found yourself in suck. It's unfortunate that Maggie was holding that last straw, but no matter who it was, Joe or even Will, something was going to snap. I'm sure Maggie still thinks you're Wonder Mom. *I* still think you're Wonder Mom.

Katrina said...

You don't suck. you are human and had a horrible moment. You are a fine mommy that had a ton of shit dumped on you and you snapped.

Hugs from another human mommy...

Leggy/Clover said...

You don't suck. Believe me we've all been there. Its been stressful around here lately and The Cutie Pie gets the brunt of it when we are short with him or get easily aggrevated.
I'm sorry you have to move. Hopefully not too far away?

Kate W. said...

You had until today and I was sending out a posse! I am glad you are "back" but I am sad that you are stressed. Puh-Leese remember we have all been there- some (myself) more than others. Don't forget that we ( your friends that love in on the internet!) are always here to you! It is the cheapest therapy I know about.

Kellan said...

No - you don't suck!!! I have been there myself - too many times than I care to admit to!! I was so relieved to read that you had to go fix your make-up for the reasons you mentioned. When, one day, your sweet girl reads this story - she will know who you really are - really were - by just reading that one paragraph. That is who you really are! Remember that and I hope the stress lightens up for you and things get better soon. Take care and I'll see you soon. Kellan

S said...

I think that you're human and allowed to loose it once and a while.
You don't suck, you're just dealing with a lot and it's taking it's toll.
Hang in there.

Christy said...

I am so sorry. We all have crazy moments, where we lose our shit and freak-out in front of the kids. Just this week I lost my shit because Porgie kept throwing corn bread on the floor. I was storming around the house slamming doors and ranting about her being disrespectful. Not my proudest moment.

You are a great mommy and Maggie knows it. Life sucks ass sometimes, but things will get better.

Sugared Harpy said...

You do not suck. You are a normal mother who is a normal human being. You have to cut yourself some slack. I definitely went overboard a time or two. I apologized to them when I did but oh man, I do know that horrible feeling.

You are an awesome mom, you give a shit that you went overboard. Bad moms don't care. You are a good, caring, wonderful mother. Don't ever let yourself think otherwise. Who wants a perfect mother? Where is the fun in that?!

t_cole said...

been there
done that
got the stinking t-shirt.

cut yourself some slack.
a happy mother is a good mother.
find something that makes you happy and DO IT!

be good to my friend Cat, will ya?

Lainey-Paney said...

oh.....my heart is breaking for you & your freak out moment.
I'm sorry...

Kellan said...

Hi Cat! Thanks for coming over and leaving the really nice comment on my post today - you have always been a good friend and I am so glad to have met you! I am always here for you - you know that and I always look forward to coming over hear and reading your posts and learning more and more about you and your family. Thanks again and I'll see you soon. Kellan

Em said...

Glad your back, would rather hear about your stress etc than hear nothing.

You dont suck!!!!! Hang in there