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Thursday, October 27, 2005


As Rod Stewart would say, “Tonight’s the night”.
We sort of wasted last night by spending the evening re-arranging the furniture on the living room. By the time we were finished, I was too tired to think about baby-makin’.

My evil plot.... oh. wait... I mean incredibly, sexy, romantic plan consists of plying him with red meat, Budweiser & Survivor. If I can bring myself to do it, I might even offer a back-rub. It’s generally not too bad since he considers backrubs foreplay. I hate giving backrubs…. It makes my carpal tunnel hurt. Hopefully in a couple weeks I can have some good news to share. I’ll make sure to get to Target & stock up on HPT’s.

For the past several months, I’ve been reading blogs of infertile gals, infertile gals who have had babies, gals who have had babies and are now infertile…..I never realized how hard it can be to have a child. While I have had a miscarriage, I also have 2 wonderful children. Dan was born when I was 17. yeah, I was young & stupid, I know. Yes, I finished high school & eventually married his father. Divorced him after 2 years, but hey.. I tried. 21 YEARS later, and after 10 years of a much happier, healthier marriage, I had Maggie. Now, I want another baby.
We don’t want Maggie to be an only child. We love the whole idea of having another. My fear is this…..what if I can’t?? I don’t know for a fact that there is anything “wrong”(???) with me other than the age factor, but I know women are having babies well into their 40’s and sometimes 50’s. If the m/c was just “something that happened” or was it my aged, decrepit, 40 year old body telling me to just knock-it-off, what-the-hell-were-you-thinking???

If, (pleaseGod,pleaseGod,prettyprettypleaseGod) I do get pregnant again, what changes do I make to this blog? Any?? What if I have another m/c?? Would I try again? No. I’m not real good at dealing with loss. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (you know who you are, you conniving, judgmental, twofaced, slimy bitch!).

So I guess for now, I’ll try to keep my head in a good place; my heart will be full of hope, love & optimism. And if anybody up there is listening, my uterus will follow shortly with the whole hope, love & optimism thing…

1 comment:

DD said...

It truly sucks to have come so far in life and have a child, then try to do what comes naturally for most and have a 2nd child, and find that the one person you thought you knew best - yourself - has betrayed you.

I remember when I was pg with Max, so were 2 of my dear friends. After the birth of all of the kiddies, we all discussed plans for the next one. One friend went ahead and started trying when her girl was 18 mos. At the time, I thought she was so foolish to have a 2nd child so "close" in age. The other friend and I waited; both got pg last spring and the babies were due 7 wks apart. It KILLED me to watch one of my closest friends carry her little girl to term. Everytime I see her and imagine my baby who would now be sitting up and getting ready to crawl. In two weeks, it will be the anniversary of my baby's death. You'll see more of this coming up on my blog.

I don't know if we will ever be so lucky to have another baby (I hopeandpray as you do). This is what I do know: I am the mother of two children, it doesn't matter that one was lost to a m/c.